Musings...

    So, here is my pondering...


I have noticed that many lead Sunday School.  What I have noticed is that those who lead adult Sunday School tend not to be people who attend Sunday School.  There are those times when one of us might not be leading a class but yet don't attend one when we aren't.  Why is that?  I am noticing in my own heart that I am not willing to sit in just any class with just anyone leading it.  Why?  Is it a sign of spiritual maturity or immaturity?  Do I find some people worthy of learning from and not others?  And yet I know some of the most "on fire" Christians are the newest believers.  As leaders we want people to come to our classes and it gives us a measure of whether or not we are successful as class leaders.  So, why wouldn't we be filling someone else's class to help them feel worth it?  Will pray this through in my own heart.  And am one to sit in on a class just because I love to be in a corporate setting soaking in any little tidbit that is a new perspective.  It keeps me moving and alive!  Not all work this way, I know.  Just thinking out loud to others who sit in same place as me.  Thoughts...?

Give Thanks Acrostic

God is #1

Invitation to His kingdom

Victory!

Eternity


Today

Health

Absolute joy!

Notes of love

Kisses from my kids

Salvation

writing prompt from  ellenstumbo.com/thankfulness-post

I Will Never...(writing prompt)

    Oh, how many times I said these words.  In the 18 years as a nanny before my own kids, I had it all figured out.  I will never passed out of my lips almost daily.  Wow, have I ever, plus some!

    I was with one family for 10 years.  And two other families and a Montessori school.  I had many children's parents to say how I would never about.

    I will never let my children go without a haircut so long.  This poor child can hardly see because of how long their bangs are.  It's not that hard to take 30 mins. to get their haircut.  Fast forward.  My sons often need their haircut for weeks before they get it.  Fitting it into a day, week, or month is not easy. 

    I will never let my kids come home 10 mins. late and not have a consequence.  No wonder they behave they way they do for them.  If they would just lay down the law the kids would be more respectful toward them.  Spoken like a real pro, huh?  My oldest son is often 5-10 mins. late, apologizes, and we move on.  Maybe he would show more respect and less mouth if I were tougher with this.  Or, it has a lot to do with the age and fact that hormone surges start at the same time we are letting them experiment with some freedom.  Hmmm.

    I will never let my kids go without washing their sheets every week.  If they complain about being itchy in their bed, I will take care of it.  Then I got the hyper sensitive tactile kid.  Fresh sheets just put on and he is all about how he can't sleep on them because they make him itch.  Please put the blanket that is soft on top and I will sleep on that.  O.k., so I am not changing the bed daily because of Mr. Picky.  Guess I have joined the ranks of that mom.

    I will never let my kids sleep all night with their light on.  Don't you know they can't sleep well and will still be tired in the morning.  Oh, and by the way, they will never sleep in my bed to help with this either.  My oldest slept with us until he was 6.  Pretty much nightly and all night.  At 6 he started to some nights sleep in his bed all night.  I, of course, panicked at that because something must be wrong.  He has a night light that looks like day light in his room and yet many times I find at some point in the night he turned on his overhead light and slept.  Guess what, he was more rested than he would have been laying in fear all night.  I still slept fine, and our day starts.

    If only I still had it figured out like I did before they were mine.  And before Jesus showed me judging others may not be the best choice of how to go about life.  All the I will nevers are now being passed on to me.  I am now on the receiving end.  Many neighbors with younger kids point fingers and say it.  And yet as their kids are reaching the ages mine were when they moved in, they are.  And those with older kids point and say mine didn't do that when they were that age or that they didn't do it at all.  We were outside with our then younger children.  Guess what, they did do those things at the ages mine are now, and they did do those things, I saw it. 

    As long as life goes on we will always say I will never about something.  Few of those things will you actually never.  And I still think back to the wisdom that the now friend that I nannied for used to share about parenting.  She was able to see what really mattered to her for her children to learn and be like.  The rest she was able to let slide.  I try to do much of the same.  It is part of being the parent and showing love to your children.

    I will never be one of those bloggers...http://www.ellenstumbo.com/i-really-thought-i-would-never-end-up-here/

Silent, Masked

    A conversation with the teacher I work with brought this post.  We are in a special education classroom.  We have spent time with kids with all sorts of delays.  Many of them what we call silent or masked.  She sometimes forgets that I am the parent of one of those kids.  She never says anything hurtful, only that sometimes it would be easier for the families if the delays were for a noticeable reason to the outside world.

    This leads me to my part in this conversation of agreeing with her.  My second son was born with hydrocephalus (water on the brain).  No reason except a birth defect to be found for it.  Still didn't stop the years of guilt about my diet or energy level during pregnancy ( I had a very active 2 year old).  I often have wished that his delay was something outward that people could see.  His shunt was placed when he was young enough that he caught up with his head growth by 2 years old. 

   There are many outward things that people did and do see.  The fits he used to throw everywhere we went and constantly.  If I had ever seen them coming or could figure out what sparked them, believe me, I would have done what I could to control the situation.  These were nothing compared to the ones we got at home (lasting 30 mins. every 10-15 mins.).  They were loud, involved kicking, screaming, biting, and trying to bang your head with his.  I know by the fact that DHS was called on us, that people saw it as us hurting him because of how we would have to carry him out of places any way we could get hold of him. He wouldn't stay in a cart, so just driving him out wasn't usually an option.

    Many years and much work by many people altogether, his behaviors look much different.  I do know I am lucky in this.  I know many of you who deal with our younger behaviors your child's whole life.  I try hard on my toughest days to remember where we have been and where many people still are.  He now sits in a regular education classroom with only a behavior teacher's backup when needed.  This is only when he refuses to work and just shuts down and is asked to take his work to the other classroom until the next class period.  In third grade, this very rarely happens.  The behaviors look more like anger that still often doesn't make sense to the situation.  Blaming others for many things he was at fault for.  This seems normal for a 9 year old, you say.  Maybe, except it is every day in every situation.  Very different than my oldest and all other 9 year olds I have dealt with.  He decides to act this out by doing things like stuffing full rolls of toilet paper down each toilet in the bathroom. MORE THAN ONCE, MORE THAN TWICE, THREE TIMES!  This buys you a ticket to the principal's office for your lunch and recess.  Not a great idea.

    I so often am jealous of my friends who have children with Down's Syndrome, Cerebral Palsy, and any outwardly seen delay.  At least when they act up in some way, people don't judge you the bad parent of the year.  I know other challenges come with this.  I have been around long enough to know that.  Just some days when the battle is still so outward and loud (Reno deals with nothing quietly) and no one can see anything other than an unruly child with an obviously far too lenient and maybe uncaring parent, I wish for that short time that it was obvious to the rest of the world. 

    In the end I am thankful for the child I have.  I am thankful that he has the ability to come so far.  I am so glad that I have had the speech therapists, OT, and teachers he has had that have helped him become who he is.  They have helped me with new ways of helping him at home.  It has definitely taken a village and will continue to.  There is still so far to go to hopefully let go of the anger that makes no sense some days. 

    This is why I, and many in my classroom, say it is sometimes easier when the delay is "seen".  People are more willing to help and give you a break when things don't go well.  And give the kids the help they need and long for instead of seeing them as the tough kid in the classroom.  

    I will let God lead my son, me, my family.  He will show me how to teach them about Jesus and how to live as He wants.  Praying that He is invited into their hearts for their whole life.  That He will be the one to help Reno become who God wants him to be.  I will rejoice in being given the "hidden delay" to deal with.  Guess He knew I would be able to meet the challenge or it wouldn't have been given to me.  This alone is a privilege, to be trusted with a tough task by our Creator.  What trust!  I can only trust Him that much in return.  And be glad my son is who he is even silent and masked to the outside world.

Choices...

    Making a choice is one of the hardest things we do in life. It always brings about some sort of change. How do you make yours?  I always have to evaluate my choices after I make them.  Were they good, were they bad, did I have to make it that quickly/slowly?

    My least favorite way to have to make choices is in response to someone else's choices.  When someone you love makes a choice that changes everything, you then have to follow that up with a choice of your own.  Those choices feel so forced at the time and are ones that I try hard to get someone else to make for me.  Often trying to convince them to point to the choice only to find out they will only help me aim toward my own choice.  Still all mine to make.  Yuck!

    I love the choices that you have time to really pray over.  I feel I have all the time in the world to come to a decision.  These choices are fun!  Often they lead to huge life changes but don't feel at all uncomfortable to make.  They feel very planned and thought out.  When they finally become reality it is a relief and exciting!

    All I know is that in all choices, they go much better if I pray about them first.  It doesn't matter how big or small.  God just asks that we ask Him in all things.  Then continue to seek Him as the change from our choices happen.  So, since I can't avoid making choices, I will do my best to ask the One in charge of the path my life will take.  Life just goes better this way. 
 
 
  http://www.ellenstumbo.com/we-chose-to-adopt-a-child-special-needs/

By a Thread

    I'm holding on by a thread.  This is how it feels most days. A feeling I am not used to.  I am the even keeled one.  Not the one only holding on by a thread.

    A separation that was unwanted, unexpected, and so against how I thought life would be.  I am holding on...

    Little boys who think they are big.  Not big enough to deal well with all that life has just dealt them.  I can't understand it most days, how can they?  We are holding on...

    One child who has such animosity toward me.  I give him the care and love that I know how each day.  Try to keep my patience no matter what he brings that day.  Try to stay consistent knowing it is best for him.  He throws all the "bad" that he can think of each day at me.  I am holding on...

    A friend who shares a heart wrenching part of her life.  All I can do is pray and hope God hears and reveals Himself in it.  That He brings clarity to her.  I am sad with her and can't imagine being where she is.  I am holding on...

    In it all I know that the thread I am holding on to is attached to Jesus.  Maybe His robe, maybe His hair, maybe He is just holding the other end.  All I know is it is how I do each day.  I am holding on...ellenstumbo.com/im-living-the-contradiction

First Impressions

    Flying into the airport, it looked like any other.  A long runway made of some road material, planes of all sizes scattered about, and an airport to pull up to and unload.  Placed in the Dominican Republic.

    Entering the airport, I now knew it was different.  Small, so full of people it was cramped, and a little scary since I had never traveled outside of the U.S. before.  My first mission trip.  If I can just pass inspection.  The only impression to make was that they thought I was respectful to them and that I looked like my passport picture.

    Before leaving we had learned about how things might look different or might be different from what we are used to.  Meeting our ride, the taxi was already different.  Driving was an adventure of its own.  If you honk more and are bigger (thank goodness we were) then you get to go first on the road. 

    Lots of run down houses and trash everywhere you look.  This is my first encounter with this tropical place.  You think tropical and great vacations in fancy resorts on beautiful beaches enter your mind.  This was not the picture I was seeing.  How can we make any difference for people who have to live here?

    The hotel room looks like any I have been in except for the tile only floor.  Home for the next week.  Looks like it will be o.k.  Later to find out that hot water is over rated.  And toilets only flush when they feel like it. 

    Meeting the kids in the first village lined with shacks was like meeting kids anywhere I have ever been.  They enjoyed the same games, fought with each other, played with each other, and ignored their parent's plea to come home for lunch.  They had different skin color and went home to no air conditioning, but they were like all kids I knew.

    I quickly learned that I was in another world with different social rules to follow (especially being a woman) and different ideas of homes, how to travel (many motor bikes), and how schools ran.  However, families are families.  They have parents who care for their kids, schools for them to learn in, and daily routines to follow.  I only hoped that we were able to bring Jesus into their life for the short time we were there.

    First impressions don't always reveal all that is there.  It would have been easy to go back to the comfort we were used to.  Oh, but what we would have missed out on by not meeting these kids with big dreams of who they want to be and the chance to help them shape that with Jesus in their center. 

 

ellenstumbo.com/she-was-not-the-girl-we-imagined-and-fallen-in-love-with

Inconvenient

    Inconvenient to me often translates to "not fair".  Much of life often fits into this category.  Kids say it all the time to their friends, to their parents, and to anyone who doesn't do what they like.  Do we really lose that as we become adults or do we just call it something else?

    When I first saw the prompt of inconvenience, I had one thing come to mind.  As I read Ellen's post, I had a second thing come to mind.  Here are my two moments of "that's not fair".

    My first thought was of my new found life as a single mom sharing parenting with a husband who deeply hurt me with his choices and changed what our family had been. While I am glad that he wants to help raise his boys and I want them to keep a relationship with him, it is DEFINITELY inconvenient.  Not fair to my boys to have their world rocked when they are just starting into the end years of childhood and on the edge of teen hood.  Not fair to me having to do each day on my own and having all battles with no voice there to take over when mine is no longer being heard.  Not fair that when they are with their dad it seems so short to them.  Not fair that he often isn't able to be at their events.  All of it "just not fair".

    My second thought of "not fair" is the life of my second son.  His pregnancy was not something we thought would happen, then came at a time of incredible inconvenience.  We had just moved two states away with an 18 month old. Living with my mom and stepdad.  Trying to find jobs and find a place to live.  Hardly spending time in a way to even figure out how I could be pregnant.  Not the best time.  Then he is born and all is more settled and seems to be o.k.  Six month check up and the doctor says he is concerned and wants us to go have an MRI.  Blindsided!  So we go and what he must have thought came to be (he was at the hospital on a day he would have been in the office).  Hydrocephalus.  I didn't even know this could happen to babies if they weren't shaken.  He needs to go have surgery and a shunt placed.  This goes smoothly but 2 years later the effects of having a small tube in your brain shows.  Behaviors, lack of speech, and tantrums like I had never seen (I worked in special ed. and had seen plenty).  "Not fair"!  I can't even like this child, yet I have been given him as a gift.  What had I done to deserve a gift like this?  He didn't bond well so it was hard to bond with him.  He is not the child I thought I would have.  He was to be easier because he was the second and we had practice.  Many days when it has been battle after battle, all I can say is "this is not fair".  Inconvenient!

    In it all, it is God's plan for my life, for my boys' life, for my husband's life.  We each are walking a road He planned and knows we think it unfair.  He says "just hang in there and see how this all unfolds.  I know how it will end."  So, in it all I just trust.  I keep walking His road each day and waiting to see how it all turns out.  ellenstumbo.com/life-inconvenient

God's Light

    Have you ever seen a row of trees that are so thick along the side of the road that you can't see the light through them?  Then there is a spot as you come closer you see bright rays of sunlight shining down filtering in streaks through some of the branches.  It is a sweet thing to see and just makes you smile. 

    It reminds me that God is light that can shine through any amount of darkness.  Maybe not completely bright at first but able to show light through the dark a little at a time.  And it makes us feel lighter and smile more, too.  

      

In the Middle of the Night...

    Some of the best times and some of the toughest times come in the middle of the night. I went into labor with my first son in the middle of the night.  What an exciting event! Then I spent almost every night for the next year awake.  Tough to be so exhausted!

 

    Being awakened to that all too well known sound every parent has experienced.  First, the crying.  Then, the "mommy".  Ending in the clean up of stuff that should never come out of a cute little child's mouth.  Tough stuff!

 

    A baby's cry so you get up to nurse. The house is quiet, it is calm once you settle in with the baby. Suddenly, you realize how wonderful this time is and how it can never be replaced.  One day you won't have this time any more and you will miss it.  The best stuff! 

    You are awake and it is 3:00 a.m.  Yikes, tomorrow will be tough!  No matter what you can't get back to sleep.  You begin to pray.  As you pray, people are just brought to mind.  You now know why you are awake.  As you hear God's voice lead you, you relax.  The next thing you know it is morning and you feel more relaxed and refreshed than you would have thought.  The great stuff!

 

           ellenstumbo.com/cry-in-the-night

Rock It!

 

        I have two rocks in my life.  One who is my creator and always there and one who has been here when I needed her most.  Both have pulled me through some tough stuff.  I have  learned that neither I could do without.

     I have always been a person who has handled things on my own.  Didn't need much help

 from anyone.  An only child for 14 years of my life made it easy to take care of things and not ask for help.

      Then the unthinkable comes.  November 10, 2012.  A date it will take years and maybe never will go away.  It is brought to me that my husband of almost 14 years has been meeting with, touching, and seeking out other women--again.  This was time 3. 

     My  breath is taken away.  I find it hard to pray but know that is the only thing to

 make it make sense of any kind.  Then I make a text that shares my world with my friend,

 Sheila.  No idea at the time the rock she will become in my life.  I am only thinking I need

 someone who will pray and I know she will.  This began a friendship with someone who I

 had been sort of friends with before this. 

     She led me to rely on my first rock, Jesus.  She prayed for me until I could pray for myself.  She gave support through many phone calls, emails, texts, and meeting with me when I needed someone.  She made it safe to share.  No judgment.  Often no words, just listening.  A quiet room to hide in in the middle of my day.  An encourager when I thought I couldn't keep going.

     The rock I have depended on before this and have learned to lean on in new ways since

 this is Jesus.  My friend kept leading me back to Him in new ways.  He came for a week and

 was with me at my side.  It was like feeling like someone is there even before they speak.  I

 just knew He was there.  So real I could close my eyes and reach out and feel Him as a

 person there.  He followed me through each day.  At the end of the week I had a strength and a reliance on Him I had never had in this way before.  And it has continued since. 

      My two rocks have pulled me through so much and made things easier.  I still draw my

 daily strength from Jesus.  He helps me know how to handle the days with my boys.  He

 helps me meet the challenges in single parenting.  He is my guide each day. 

     My friend still checks with me regularly when she hasn't heard from me.  She knows

 things are o.k. for now but that there are some challenges yet to come.  She does the best

 thing a friend could do, pray for me.

      Without these rocks, my life would be so different.  I can't imagine a life without them. 

 Solid, strong, sure, and on my side.

 

 

   

ellenstumbo.com/confessions-pastors-wife-killed-my-church-rock

An Open Letter to God

An Open Letter to God

 

    Think, think, think...

 

An open letter to who?  Hmmm?

 

 

    And my Lord is the only place/person that comes to my mind.

 

    I have so many things going on in my life that make it nothing but questions.  Why do some families get given children that are "normal" and other families get given children with "special needs"?  Why do some marriages last forever and some barely last at all?  Why do You allow wars, earthquakes that bury a land, tornadoes and hurricanes that wipe out whole towns, states and countries?  And the questions could go on...

 

    Some of these You answer when I pray about them.  Many of these You say nothing about.  You often tell me "rely on Me".  You often say "trust Me, I made this world".  You often just says "trust".

 

    In it all I know that You are God!  This makes my heart be at peace. This gives me relief in knowing I don't need to know everything because You do.  I am filled with joy that can come from nowhere else.  Certainly not from the world filled with people ready to knock me down at every chance.

 

    All choices, all journeys and all of life can be done well if I remember to turn to You before...I do anything!  Even tough stuff becomes bearable with You as my guide.  You sit with me when no one else can or does.  You carry me when I don't think I can walk this road any more.  You hold my hand as long as I stay with You and don't try to run ahead of You or walk off the path on my own.

 

    You are my love, my life and my guider.  With You all things are possible.  There is strength I didn't think possible because it is not mine but Yours.  I thank you, God, for being my creator and knowing my life and where it is going.  I love You above all else.  I only wish to share You with everyone.  I long to be with You now and in eternity.

 

Your Created Being,

 

Me

 

 

   

 

ellenstumbo.com/open-letter-american-girl-company