Silent, Masked

    A conversation with the teacher I work with brought this post.  We are in a special education classroom.  We have spent time with kids with all sorts of delays.  Many of them what we call silent or masked.  She sometimes forgets that I am the parent of one of those kids.  She never says anything hurtful, only that sometimes it would be easier for the families if the delays were for a noticeable reason to the outside world.

    This leads me to my part in this conversation of agreeing with her.  My second son was born with hydrocephalus (water on the brain).  No reason except a birth defect to be found for it.  Still didn't stop the years of guilt about my diet or energy level during pregnancy ( I had a very active 2 year old).  I often have wished that his delay was something outward that people could see.  His shunt was placed when he was young enough that he caught up with his head growth by 2 years old. 

   There are many outward things that people did and do see.  The fits he used to throw everywhere we went and constantly.  If I had ever seen them coming or could figure out what sparked them, believe me, I would have done what I could to control the situation.  These were nothing compared to the ones we got at home (lasting 30 mins. every 10-15 mins.).  They were loud, involved kicking, screaming, biting, and trying to bang your head with his.  I know by the fact that DHS was called on us, that people saw it as us hurting him because of how we would have to carry him out of places any way we could get hold of him. He wouldn't stay in a cart, so just driving him out wasn't usually an option.

    Many years and much work by many people altogether, his behaviors look much different.  I do know I am lucky in this.  I know many of you who deal with our younger behaviors your child's whole life.  I try hard on my toughest days to remember where we have been and where many people still are.  He now sits in a regular education classroom with only a behavior teacher's backup when needed.  This is only when he refuses to work and just shuts down and is asked to take his work to the other classroom until the next class period.  In third grade, this very rarely happens.  The behaviors look more like anger that still often doesn't make sense to the situation.  Blaming others for many things he was at fault for.  This seems normal for a 9 year old, you say.  Maybe, except it is every day in every situation.  Very different than my oldest and all other 9 year olds I have dealt with.  He decides to act this out by doing things like stuffing full rolls of toilet paper down each toilet in the bathroom. MORE THAN ONCE, MORE THAN TWICE, THREE TIMES!  This buys you a ticket to the principal's office for your lunch and recess.  Not a great idea.

    I so often am jealous of my friends who have children with Down's Syndrome, Cerebral Palsy, and any outwardly seen delay.  At least when they act up in some way, people don't judge you the bad parent of the year.  I know other challenges come with this.  I have been around long enough to know that.  Just some days when the battle is still so outward and loud (Reno deals with nothing quietly) and no one can see anything other than an unruly child with an obviously far too lenient and maybe uncaring parent, I wish for that short time that it was obvious to the rest of the world. 

    In the end I am thankful for the child I have.  I am thankful that he has the ability to come so far.  I am so glad that I have had the speech therapists, OT, and teachers he has had that have helped him become who he is.  They have helped me with new ways of helping him at home.  It has definitely taken a village and will continue to.  There is still so far to go to hopefully let go of the anger that makes no sense some days. 

    This is why I, and many in my classroom, say it is sometimes easier when the delay is "seen".  People are more willing to help and give you a break when things don't go well.  And give the kids the help they need and long for instead of seeing them as the tough kid in the classroom.  

    I will let God lead my son, me, my family.  He will show me how to teach them about Jesus and how to live as He wants.  Praying that He is invited into their hearts for their whole life.  That He will be the one to help Reno become who God wants him to be.  I will rejoice in being given the "hidden delay" to deal with.  Guess He knew I would be able to meet the challenge or it wouldn't have been given to me.  This alone is a privilege, to be trusted with a tough task by our Creator.  What trust!  I can only trust Him that much in return.  And be glad my son is who he is even silent and masked to the outside world.